47 minutes ago
If y’all have been here a while, you probably know that I try my hardest to stay positive and to find joy in the journey. I try to see the silver lining in each situation and recognize the tender mercies. I pride myself on this outlook and on my own resilience. And maybe I’ve put too much emphasis on this - because the “other” days just hit like a ton of bricks.
Most days, I’m telling the truth when I say “I’m okay”. Not today.
Today, I’m sick of fighting. And I don’t even mean sick of fighting against the myriad of symptoms that seem to rule my life.
Today, I’m sick of the rest of it. I’m sick of making phone calls. I’m sick of hold music. I’m sick of insurance denying my physicians orders, which I believe are in my best interest. I’m sick of doing the legwork just to get the care that I deserved in the first place. I’m sick of infusions. I’m sick of waiting, wishing, wondering if this will ever change. I’m sick of working 12 hour shifts after mornings full of my own medical appointments - 20+ hours away from home. I’m sick of sacrificing my social life to be able to make it to said appointments. I’m sick of sitting alone in waiting rooms. I’m sick of stressing over finances and trying to figure out how to pay off my medical debt. I’m sick of doing this all by myself. I’m sick of making such an intense effort to pretend to be okay with all of this. I’m sick of trying hard to smile through the emotional pain of feeling so run down inside. I’m sick of it all, more intensely so than I can adequately put into words.
Today, I’m just plain sick of being sick.
I hope, if you’re sick of being sick today too, that you can find it in your heart to give yourself grace. You are doing an amazing job. This chronic illness shit is HARD, and no one (NO ONE!) expects you to be brave all 365 days of the year. So why the hell do you expect that from yourself?